Time

So maybe the day's are just getting harder.
Perhaps they are just staying the same,
but it's definitely not any easier.

You can't force someone to love you.
I need to fucking realize this.

It's a harsh reality realizing you'd do just about anything for someone,
and they still wouldn't lift a finger.

(Because this stranger asked)
I'm Lucy;
It's hard for me to forget things that have mattered in the past. I forgive too easily. I sing random songs about random things without a care in the world. I live off of coffee and queso, I'm currently on a diet though so queso is forbidden. Belle and Maya are my little loves and If you don't like them, I won't like you. Justin is pretty cool but he's also expensive and fully belongs to Courtney, I'm just leasing him. You probably can't find my primary tickle spot, nor will I admit to it if you do. I work a lot, but I make bank. I buy expensive things too often, but I love them. I'm currently learning to let go and trust again. My heart is in the process of mending. I fear change. I hate being hated, I love too fiercely for my own good. 98% of the people in my life let me down. I expect promises to be broken. I bend over backwards for those I care about. I love the outdoors. The easiest way to piss me off is to push me in a pool or pull me into the shower and fuck up my hair. I take a lot of baths, and I'm a quoteaholic. Circa Survive is love. I know too much about motorcycles and I have no need for it. Mini Coopers are also love. I make a terrible first impression. I'm stubborn and I'm kind of addicted to pogo. My eating habits are shit. I buy a new phone every two months because I tend to wear them down too quickly. Slow computers really piss me off, and yes I'm a MAC person. I tend to contradict myself. Just because I asked you to leave doesn't mean I want you gone. It's the simple things in life that matter. I make up words with meanings you probably won't understand. I try too hard. I dream of the impossible and talk nonsense while drunk. I've been through a lot but it's only made me a stronger person. I'm extremely ambitious and honestly... I've always believed, even when I deny it.

The paragraph was not meant to flow, just an fyi.

WTF

I got a nasty phone call from my step mother EARLY this morning, not even on my phone! She had the nerve to call Sean's phone. (I am getting my blackberry in a few hours)

She made me late for work over a god damn facebook status that was an inside joke between Sean, Sean's awkward roomate, and myself that read;

"Hey Jeff, would you ever think I would have a priest for a father?"
"It's possible..."
"Well, I did. Then he had an affair HAHAH."

DEAR LISA,
I AM SORRY YOU MARRIED A MAN THAT HAD AN AFFAIR AND LEFT HIS FAMILY. IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU ARE TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD

God damn. This is not the first time that she has started hell over a Facebook status. I would delete her but she would make a huge deal about it. I'll admit the status was a little on edge and I wouldn't have posted it or really thought it was funny if I hadn't been drunk, but regardless. She needs to stay out of my damn business.

:)
K cool.

I am so tempted;

In Fear And Faith

Can we last through the winter?
The water's starting to freeze.
The only one who remembers
Taking the wrong step, falling in front of me.
This body's already aging.
These nights are all ready long.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won't call.

Congratulations, go home now.

Will we last through the winter?
Will we make it to see?
I never wanted a partner and I never loved you,
Now you are free to leave.
This heart is already frozen,
I can't remember to fall.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won't call.

Congratulations, go home now.

It's too late, it's too late, they won't let go.
Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door.
It's too late, it's too late, they won't let go.
Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door.

It must be buried under the heart
That makes this pace consistent.
You'll find it torn, that gate's been opened?
I've been wondering if you've been real with us.

It's too late
It's too late, it's too late, they won't let go.
Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door.
It's too late, it's too late, they won't let go.
Follow five footsteps through that open door, open door.

It's start, stop and go you've been dying for, you've been dying for.

Letting go.

Over all, I am fine. I am breathing, smiling, living. Over all, I am a strong girl with a big heart Over all, I seem to be okay with letting go. Over all this, over all that... but sometimes, it just shatters. My world crashes down and the my heart sinks. But I'm trying, god am I trying.

I guess I am just drunk and overwhelmed;
I got into an argument and felt my body tense up as it used to months ago. I sat curled up on the floor waiting to be slapped in the face, or for my lungs to cave in under the pressure of stronger hands. But It never came. Instead, a soft touch on my back. Followed by a, "Lucy baby it's me, I am not going to hurt you.. you are okay. We can get through this." I cried, I fucking bawled. I shouldn't be this way, I haven't always been this way, and he knows it. Sean tells me this all the time, yet there is so much I still don't understand, so much I have left to work through. I'm finally coming to the realization that I've been in denial for the past month that what happened in my past relationship was not okay. I've thrown it aside, and just not dealt with any of the underlying issues. Finally, though, it's all starting to surface.. just way too fast.

Water soothes me as it did my mother. I am trying to stay calm, trying to realize that I am worth it. I do deserve this happy, healthy relationship. I am trying not to let my two year burden ruin everything, as it has once before. I am a good person, I am a good girlfriend. I will be okay.

" And I'll send you your way, so you'll see why I love you."

Yeahhh, I make bank.

I went on a spending spree today.. to say the least.

At first I bought the Damier Speedy 30 for $725, but then changed my mind and bought the Louis Vuitton Tivoli GM for $1,470. Yeah, yeah... but I've been wanting a brand new Vuitton for a while.

It's love.

On a lesser note, Im kind of pissed because my new 16gb Ipod touch is now confirmed as stolen, and therefore long gone. UGH. I guess I'll just love on my bag for a month or so before I drop another $400 on another damn touch.

Damn Cute

My Dog is a parrot

She will seriously chill on your shoulder for hours.

<3.
Edit://

I really enjoyed tonight although I have been stuck at work. Old photographs and videos cracked me up to the point I burst out laughing and snorted even though there were customers in the retail. They probably thought I was crazy, and that within itself is also hilarious. I need to load all my old things onto my new laptop but just haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I'll bring a flash drive with me to work tomorrow, it will probably put me in a better mood since I have to be back here at noon. Ladedah. lovelove.

What happened to the queso?

I spent a few hundred dollars yesterday on Maya and Belle, but at least they are up to date on vaccinations. Sean loves little Maya and I think it's ridiculously cute. They'll sit with me on web cam while I'm at work and she just hops around all over him, I loveee it.
...

I just bought some expensive ass sirloin that I guess Sean will be cooking for dinner, and hopefully I won't get nearly as drunk tonight haha. Apparently I spoke nonsense last night for like two hours and woke up with the worst hang over of my life. If I weren't such an alcoholic, or dating an alcoholic (kidding kidding kidding) I might be able to lay low for a few days.. but that is not going to happen. In fact, I enjoy dating someone that actually drinks.

I'm ready to get off work and finally eat something now that my stomach is settled. Whatever happened to the queso last night I still don't know. Living across the street from Kerby Lane is bad bad bad.

Uh.
Hm.

A horny virgin (legit name) just friended me on myspace...
WTF.

Do you remember..

the things that I'll never forget?

So why don't we trace the footsteps back into our past with the ones we've lost?
Too many bad mistakes were made.
No one should have to take the fall for it, when it's our life to live.

I'm home

from Padre but now stuck back at work, LAME!

The weekend was rather eventful, definitely worth the 6 hour drive. I'm tan, relaxed, but exhausted haha. I hadn't been to the beach in years so I had a lot of fun. I've never been skinny dipping in the ocean before, and it was bad ass.... hahahaha.

I feel like everything is finally starting to come back together in my life. I'm happy again, finally. I don't have to wake up in fear and go to bed in tears anymore. I don't have to constantly worry about not being good enough, or messing up... being yelled at or slapped. I'm learning to trust again, I'm learning to love again. Sean has been so patient, so understanding, and so loving. He is everything I need and more. Everything is finally right.

"We'll pace the roads and we'll paint the skies.
Our path is plagued with discontent goodbyes.
We're striking the days so we can burn the nights
and I'll never look back on what I've left behind."

South Padre

I'm going to South Padre with Sean until Saturday, and maybe even Sunday. I've been wanting to go to the beach for months now so I am pretty pumped. My sister is going to watch Maya, so hopefully she with behave and not be too obnoxious.


Come rolling into town unaware
Of the power that you have over me
And what am I to do
With hello how are you
Nothing’s ever said that should be

And I don’t care about you
If you don’t care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to
The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we’ll go our separate ways
If you want to

I’m turning into me, not you
I can change my mind not my blood
And not all who love are blind
Some of us are just too kind
We forgive too much
And never speak our minds

And I don’t care about you
If you don’t care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to
The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we’ll go our separate ways
If you want to

I’m giving up on you
And I’ll turn my heart to something new
And we’ll go our separate ways
If you want to

I stood out in the rain
Holding my breath
Waiting for you
You never came
You broke my heart
You broke my heart
I know who’s to blame
You’re to blame

And I don’t care about you
If you don’t care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to
The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we’ll go our separate ways
If you want to