Over all, I am fine. I am breathing, smiling, living. Over all, I am a strong girl with a big heart Over all, I seem to be okay with letting go. Over all this, over all that... but sometimes, it just shatters. My world crashes down and the my heart sinks. But I'm trying, god am I trying.
I guess I am just drunk and overwhelmed;
I got into an argument and felt my body tense up as it used to months ago. I sat curled up on the floor waiting to be slapped in the face, or for my lungs to cave in under the pressure of stronger hands. But It never came. Instead, a soft touch on my back. Followed by a, "Lucy baby it's me, I am not going to hurt you.. you are okay. We can get through this." I cried, I fucking bawled. I shouldn't be this way, I haven't always been this way, and he knows it. Sean tells me this all the time, yet there is so much I still don't understand, so much I have left to work through. I'm finally coming to the realization that I've been in denial for the past month that what happened in my past relationship was not okay. I've thrown it aside, and just not dealt with any of the underlying issues. Finally, though, it's all starting to surface.. just way too fast.
Water soothes me as it did my mother. I am trying to stay calm, trying to realize that I am worth it. I do deserve this happy, healthy relationship. I am trying not to let my two year burden ruin everything, as it has once before. I am a good person, I am a good girlfriend. I will be okay.
I got into an argument and felt my body tense up as it used to months ago. I sat curled up on the floor waiting to be slapped in the face, or for my lungs to cave in under the pressure of stronger hands. But It never came. Instead, a soft touch on my back. Followed by a, "Lucy baby it's me, I am not going to hurt you.. you are okay. We can get through this." I cried, I fucking bawled. I shouldn't be this way, I haven't always been this way, and he knows it. Sean tells me this all the time, yet there is so much I still don't understand, so much I have left to work through. I'm finally coming to the realization that I've been in denial for the past month that what happened in my past relationship was not okay. I've thrown it aside, and just not dealt with any of the underlying issues. Finally, though, it's all starting to surface.. just way too fast.
Water soothes me as it did my mother. I am trying to stay calm, trying to realize that I am worth it. I do deserve this happy, healthy relationship. I am trying not to let my two year burden ruin everything, as it has once before. I am a good person, I am a good girlfriend. I will be okay.
" And I'll send you your way, so you'll see why I love you."
3 comments:
I love you and we're all here for you.
I'm actually pretty astounded that you actually thought of yourself first before that sorry bastard.
I know it's hard to realize but it needs to be done, you need to get closure.
Wow. Uh, I vaguely remember writing this. Should I delete it... it's kind of more xanga appropriate.
either way baby, it doesn't change the fact that we do all love you and are here for you.
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